Hard Ticket to Hawai'i

Action; R

1987

This is a very interesting film.

There probably is a plot, somewhere, but it might have gotten trashed in the screenwriting process of this movie. The characters' personalities might have also suffered the same fate, as would the good dialogue.

I guess this movie does perfectly capture the 80's, as my dad said, since I wasn't alive during ts time. Three B's: Bombs, Bullets, and Boobs. Emphasis on that third one.

But y'know what, I'll give it to them: this movie was actually extremely entertaining.

I know I've said this a lot, but this movie is similar to The Beastmaster in my mind. It's a godawful 80's movie that you kind of want to watch over and over again because it is just soooo entertaining.

I feel like the movie would be best described as a group of young teenage boys attempted to write an action movie for a school project but they got a bigger budget and real actors and so they decided to make it a little more than that.

That being said, I am going to rank the 3 aspects of this film that are the worst, in order of best to worst:

1) Characters. The characters in this movie are definitely something. Every single one of them in either extremely horny all the time or they're just absolute nobodies.

2) Plot. Where was it? Seriously, if someone asked me what this movie was about, I would say something along the lines of "DEA officers try to take back diamonds that weren't stolen in the first place while a Make-a-Wish snake is loose on an island that has nothing to do with the original plot". There were so many instances in this film that I have no idea why they were there. But I'll save those for the spoilers.

and last but not least, 3) Dialogue. I think if I was 8 years old and given 20 minutes to write dialogue for given scenes of this movie, I might not do a better job but it might be strikingly similar to what is actually said in this movie, and that's the bad part. Some of my favorites are "I was measuring from the ground up" and "if you go down on her you'll be kissing the back of my head" or something similar.

Anyway, in conclusion, this movie sucked in almost every single aspect. However, extremely entertaining. Might even watch again. Yeah, it might be so the plot could be actually coherent, but a rewatch is a rewatch, y'know.

Actually, y'know, what, I'll give it to them. This movie had a lot of potential. I liked the setting and I feel like tweaks to the characters would help and make the movie actually interesting. But it wasn't. So that's that, I guess.

SPOILERED REVIEW!

FILLER TEXT

Okay. I actually have so much to talk about that I don't even really know where to start.

First off, who was Jimmy John Jackson? Why was he even in the movie? Like, I can't name a single thing he contributed except for knowledge about certain vitamins that, knowing the quality of the movie, were probably untrue.

Also, what was even the point of the snake? Oh no! Dead honeymooners that we spent 5 minutes on! Geez. And then he exploded out of the toilet? I mean, like. Are we trying.

Also, I don't know why hired those two blonde chicks (Donna and like Tyrone idk the other girl's name) but they have to be FIRED bc I do NOT trust either of them with handling anything I'm not boutta lie. After a dangerous meeting with the Mexican cartel, do you think they go to cool off in the jacuzzi?

Also, like, what was the point of that one skateboarding scene? What was the point of the sex doll? Actually, what even happened in that scene at all? What was going on?

Idk man there was just so much going on. Also what about that girl with the guy who got "practically raped"???

Y'know, I give up. That movie was awful so why waste my time trying to make anything out. Would I recommend it? Absolutely. And I would also definitely watch it again. Terrible stuff.

Oh my god I can't believe I forgot this but those frisbee scenes were absolutely rediculous. A frisbee??? Like, you're just throwing a frisbee with this random white guy with reflective shades (haha) and a massive gun? Are we actually stupid?

Well actually probably I can't even lie this whole movie was one big dumb mistake. But it sure was a fun watch!

Also did the snake have to be infected? Wouldn't you die in 36 hours with an untreated snake bite anyway? Also how does a snake get infected from a cancerous rat? Whatever, man.

Also, in the sex scene, what exactly were they doing? Like, their bodies weren't even lined up in a way where they would be able to, like, do anything. Idek man.

Am I glad I watched it?
Yes

Would I watch it again?
Yes

Would I recommend it to a friend?
Yes

Favorite Character

Edy!

I like her cuz she's the only one who was normal, lowkey. Also I thought she was really pretty and yeah she was topless but I mean we can't really be picky here. Also she owns a restaurant? That's freaking dope, ngl. Even if she shares ts with Quagmire and Einhorn/Finkle, a win is a win, I guess.

And she was lowkey badass but she got captured so she couldn't really show it, y'know?

I guess it's just another character with good potential and nothing else. But I mean the rest of the characters were ass so I mean who else is there? Shades? The Snake?